The Dating Doctor - Getting Back on the Dating Scene

Getting Back into the Dating Scene

Changes in your behaviour don’t happen by thinking about them – you have to tell yourself that you’re going to practise new ways of doing things over a few weeks. Then they will become natural.

Step One - Take Time to Grieve

Take time to get over your last relationship and dump any emotional baggage such as who’s to blame. You’ll never be expected to talk about past relationships during the first few dates, so get it out of your head.

Develop an open and positive attitude to change. Realise that things are changing and change with them. In that way you won’t appear to be stubborn and old-fashioned.

Step Two - Make Yourself Available

You need to learn how to remove your mask and look available. The most crucial element for social success is to look relaxed & comfortable with yourself. So don’t appear nervous and closed to the world, and don't walk around with your iPod on all the time.

Your attitude creates your mood and that sets the tone of your voice, your facial expressions and your body language. In every face-to-face encounter your attitude controls what you do, what you say and how you appear to the other person.

Create a “fridge list or happy list” of the nice things that people say about you. It’s what other people think that’s the MOST important.

Step Three - Know What You're Looking For

Let your imagination run wild about the kind of person you want to be with and the kind of relationship you want to have. Write all this down in note form.

Think about the things you like to do – holidays, interests, hobbies and your taste in music. Your ideal person probably has similar interests. So, for example, if you went on holiday together you’d enjoy the same sort of things.

I listen/watch/read…
In the evening I like to…
At weekends I like to…
I get excited about …
On holiday, I prefer to…
I want someone who is...

Use this information to decide where to find them and to filter out the ones you don’t want to meet. Also use it to develop some questions to ask them.

Step Four - Get Out There

Socialising is like sex, when it is good it's very very good. When it is not so good it's still good and you wonder how it could have been better. And like sex, the more you practice the better it becomes.

Develop a relaxed attitude to talking to anyone. Do it as though they were single, attractive and interesting. And then don’t worry about the ones that turn out NOT to be single, attractive and interesting.

So talk to friends of friends, join clubs and special interest groups – to match your and their interests. Think about internet dating, introduction agencies, speed dating groups. Go on singles holidays to make friends to go out with when you get back. Most importantly develop the attitude to talk to anyone anywhere – shops, train stations, bus stops, bars & clubs, etc.

Step Five - Keep it Up

Don’t expect too much too soon, it will take time to find your one.

If you were a sales person, you’d expect to set up a meeting with ten out of every hundred letters and phone calls, to be asked to quote by five, and to sell one. The same happens in dating. Expect to meet dozens of people, have a date with about ten, be almost there with five, and start a serious relationship with one.

Have courage – the maxim “if you don’t ask, you don’t get” is absolutely true. Develop your social skills so you’re not afraid to ask something, or to speak your mind. Try not to feel intimidated by anyone. As you develop your social skills you will create a sense of inner confidence. This will help you come across as somebody whose views are to be respected.

Learn to laugh at rejection – realise that sometimes people won’t respond as you’d like them to. When you don’t worry if people say “no”, you will have an inner strength and manage to get away with all sorts of things.

Finally don’t set your expectations to high. It will happen, but it will take time. So have fun and enjoy every moment.

As the Dating Doctor, Peter Spalton speaks at events, runs high-energy workshops and coaches people on all aspects of flirting, dating, seduction and chatting up strangers.

He is a member of the advisory board to the Academy of Sex and Relationships in London and does for two or three radio slots every month. In addition he gives regular interviews to newspapers and magazines. He has appeared live on national TV and radio as well as numerous BBC and commercial radio stations around the country. Visit him on the Web at www.thedatingdoctor.co.uk

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